It’s been quite a while since I’ve written. There’s actually a good reason for that. Well, sort of.
Only a couple weeks after my last entry, Ron passed away at home. It was exactly three months from the day Mom passed. Antoinette called me early the next morning and broke the news, her voice cracking from having been crying presumably all night. We attended a dinner she held at a restaurant in his honor where friends and former co-workers of his joined us.
Beside that there was work, and more work. Ideas for topics came to mind as fleeting thoughts that never saw the inside of my blog notebook, for I was always doing something, whether it was driving around to run errands, working on a client, or on a time crunch for a transcription deadline. Today, I managed to give myself most of the day off. I transcribed this morning and then spent the afternoon wrapping Christmas gifts. I like to get a head start on that stuff so I’m not rushing around last minute. Plus, it makes me happy to see them all there under the stumpy plastic tree, waiting to be opened.
Although, this Christmas is not quite so happy. Well, not as happy as it should have been.. The closer it gets the more I think about Mom, the more I wonder what it will be like when the day finally comes and Dad arrives by himself. I wonder what it will be like without seeing Mom’s face light up when she opens the gift– whether she likes it or not, she would always get excited to see what we’d picked out for her this year.
I’ve also been thinking about death a lot. Death around me, my death, all sorts of death-related issues. Fate, coincidence. Just a few days ago there was that plane crash that killed almost an entire soccer team. Why? It “just so happened” to happen? What about the man who was on the plane whose son was supposed to be on there but he’d forgotten his passport? Was that fate? Or do we, as human beings begging for an answer, manifest fate from coincidence? If it was a coincidence, if fate doesn’t exist, then what does that mean for us?
I have many theories and personal beliefs, most of which have been shattered by the year 2016, but I don’t pretend to know exactly what the truth is. Some days I wish I could die just so I could figure it out. Other days I’m terrified of the thought that there may not be anything after death.
In any event– I don’t want to bring anyone down since I did promise this to be a happier post– I have started a new blog which I am about to go post on next, a writing blog. It’s still in the works (I don’t know how to take it down to get it up and running, so I’m just dealing with it the way it is right now.) I plan to offer tips, advice, information on writing contests, and my own personal writing journey. You can find it here at www.mymindclutter.com. Don’t judge it right now, please, since I haven’t been on there any more than I’ve been on here lately. I am trying to figure out a way to quit one of my jobs to devote more time to writing. Chef continues to encourage me to do so, but out of fear of the future and financial woes, I choose not to do so right now, so I’m working with what little time I have. However, I do plan to enter several writing contests and if I do end up winning one (fingers crossed) the prize would give me enough time to take between two weeks to a month off of my transcription job so I would only have to work one job and focus on writing. That’s the goal anyway!
Would love to hear some thoughts on holidays following the loss of a loved one. Whether it be the first year without them or 20 years, tell me how it feels, tell me what you do to honor them– tell me whatever you want to tell me!